Dance, Dance Christa Paffgen

Christmas has been and gone and failed to bring anything noteworthy. Don't get me wrong, it was by no means unpleasant. I had a good time with family and friends and got a good haul of loot but it was hardly a stand-out as far as Christmas' go.

Next up is new years eve. Not sure what I'll be doing yet. Going to a BBQ at a friends house in the afternoon, then maybe having people round afterwards but if there aren't enough interested then I'll just stay at the BBQ.

Health update: Started taking my pills and apart from a slight headache the first day I've avoided any side affects. Get bumped up to a bigger dose on Wednesday but hopefully that'll go just as smoothly.

As for mental health, I'm still going insane but it's not as bad now, and for different reasons. Some days I feel like I've moved on and I'm completely over it (her), and then other days I miss her so much I can't think straight. Then again it could be that I'm not missing her at all and I actually just miss being in a relationship.

Oh and I still can't sleep, but it might be because I haven't done any exercise lately. Or my body clock is just fucked again. Went kayaking this morning and went for a long walk this arvo so I'll see how I go tonight.

Wish me luck.

Doctor doctor help me...

Good ol' Gyroscope. Looking forward to the new album.

Anyway, feeling much better today. Felt much better yesterday too. I'd kill for some consistency. I went back to the doctor this morning and got my meds, which I'll start taking tomorrow morning. Another appointment in two weeks to see how I'm going and up my dosage, and then another one 4 weeks after that to start talking about his clinical psychologist/psychiatrist friend. Not so sure about that but I have 6 weeks to come up with an excuse not to go.

Don't really have much to vent about today so this will just be a boring journal style post I guess.

I went and saw Avatar yesterday and was blown away by how much it exceeded my expectations. The plot was still as average and predictable as I thought it would be but the visuals are absolutely stunning, especially in 3D. The scenery is spectacular and looks so real you can hardly tell it's CG. Most of the animals are pretty cool but nothing special, but some of them (the little white glowing jellyfish type things, the bug things that spin around when they fly, and the multi coloured dragon thing) are are just amazing. I could quite happily watch this movie over and over with the dialogue muted and just the music playing. I'm trying to convince the rest of the family to see it this weekend so I can see it again (and not pay for the ticket).

No plans for the weekend as of yet, just kayaking with dad tomorrow morning. I never really have plans though, just make it up as I go along.

Not much else to say. May edit this later if I think of something.

I'll spend some time this weekend making this thing look more interesting. Not that there's anyone but me reading it.

Cathartic

That's what I'm hoping this will be; an open expression of strong emotions providing psychological relief.

I'm just so sick of feeling like this. The total boredom, the loneliness, feeling completely useless all the time, and most of all the constant melancholy. Not being able to sleep properly is a bitch too.

Yes these are the symptoms of depression. Yes I've seen a doctor about it. And yes, I start taking anti-depressents on Friday. But to be perfectly honest, I don't think it's going to work, and I don't want to spend all that money on doctors and drugs when I'm not going to get anything out of it.

This isn't your standard case of depression. I'm not world-weary, I'm not anxious, I'm not bi-polar. I'm in love with someone who doesn't love me back.

We dated for two and a half months. It started when we went to a concert together (Anberlin). I knew I was going to tell her how I felt, and I think she knew it too. I spent the whole night trying to think of the best way of saying it, and trying to work up the courage to actually say it, because even though I was almost sure she felt the same way I was still terrified of rejection. I'm weird like that.

I should mention that all through the gig I'd been waiting for them to play one song in Particular. It's called (*fin) and it's my favourite song of all time. There will never be a better song. Anyway, the gig ended and Anberlin left the stage and I still hadn't told her, and they still hand't played (*fin). But we waited. I knew they'd come out for an encore so I stood there praying that they'd play my song. And then sure enough after a few minutes of the crowd chanting their name and begging for more they returned. I saw the guitar tech pick up an acoustic and join them on stage and my heart started to race (my song requires a lot of guitars). The lead guitarist plays one single note but I recognise it as the opening note of my song. He lets it reverberate around the room for several moments, not playing anything else. I'm shaking from excitement. Then the rest of the band launches into the song, a wild cheer erupts from my throat and my fist pumps into the air. And in that very instant she throws her arm around my shoulders and smiles at me, and I know. Know I don't have to worry about being rejected. Know I don't have to say anything after all. Know she feels the same way.

I cannot imagine a more perfect moment. I can't even describe how I felt. It was absolutely incredible and has well and truly cemented the 22nd of August, 2009 as the best night of my life. It still gives me goosebumps just thinking about it.

But now it's over. We went iceskating for halloween and she was sending me messages about how she can't wait to see me. Less than a week later she was telling me she only likes me as a friend and doesn't think we can be anything more.

I survived, I got through my exams, and we're still friends. This is the source of my "depression".

My feelings haven't changed at all in the 6 weeks since we broke up. I want to stay friends with her and nothing will stop me, but I can't help the way I feel and I end up incredibly frustrated. If I go too long without seeing her all the aforementioned symptoms take over my life, and after I have seen her they're there just as strong. When I'm with her it's fine, I'm happy and normal, if not slightly annoyed that I can't treat her the way I used to when we were dating. But once we part it's straight back to rock bottom. It's FRUSTRATING beyond belief. People have named many emotions as the "worst feeling in the world" but nothing even comes close to frustration. When you love someone, and know 100% that they do not feel the same, and you have absolutely no chance with them... it's fucking devastating. It's not so bad before you've dated them. You fall for someone but you're convinced they're not interested in you, but you can cope with. But when you date them and then lose them it's infinitely worse. Like giving a child a lollipop and then taking it away just as they start to enjoy it.

This is why the meds won't work. They might be able to fix the chemical imbalances that cause depression but they won't take away the frustration.