I'm just so sick of feeling like this. The total boredom, the loneliness, feeling completely useless all the time, and most of all the constant melancholy. Not being able to sleep properly is a bitch too.
Yes these are the symptoms of depression. Yes I've seen a doctor about it. And yes, I start taking anti-depressents on Friday. But to be perfectly honest, I don't think it's going to work, and I don't want to spend all that money on doctors and drugs when I'm not going to get anything out of it.
This isn't your standard case of depression. I'm not world-weary, I'm not anxious, I'm not bi-polar. I'm in love with someone who doesn't love me back.
We dated for two and a half months. It started when we went to a concert together (Anberlin). I knew I was going to tell her how I felt, and I think she knew it too. I spent the whole night trying to think of the best way of saying it, and trying to work up the courage to actually say it, because even though I was almost sure she felt the same way I was still terrified of rejection. I'm weird like that.
I should mention that all through the gig I'd been waiting for them to play one song in Particular. It's called (*fin) and it's my favourite song of all time. There will never be a better song. Anyway, the gig ended and Anberlin left the stage and I still hadn't told her, and they still hand't played (*fin). But we waited. I knew they'd come out for an encore so I stood there praying that they'd play my song. And then sure enough after a few minutes of the crowd chanting their name and begging for more they returned. I saw the guitar tech pick up an acoustic and join them on stage and my heart started to race (my song requires a lot of guitars). The lead guitarist plays one single note but I recognise it as the opening note of my song. He lets it reverberate around the room for several moments, not playing anything else. I'm shaking from excitement. Then the rest of the band launches into the song, a wild cheer erupts from my throat and my fist pumps into the air. And in that very instant she throws her arm around my shoulders and smiles at me, and I know. Know I don't have to worry about being rejected. Know I don't have to say anything after all. Know she feels the same way.
I cannot imagine a more perfect moment. I can't even describe how I felt. It was absolutely incredible and has well and truly cemented the 22nd of August, 2009 as the best night of my life. It still gives me goosebumps just thinking about it.
But now it's over. We went iceskating for halloween and she was sending me messages about how she can't wait to see me. Less than a week later she was telling me she only likes me as a friend and doesn't think we can be anything more.
I survived, I got through my exams, and we're still friends. This is the source of my "depression".
My feelings haven't changed at all in the 6 weeks since we broke up. I want to stay friends with her and nothing will stop me, but I can't help the way I feel and I end up incredibly frustrated. If I go too long without seeing her all the aforementioned symptoms take over my life, and after I have seen her they're there just as strong. When I'm with her it's fine, I'm happy and normal, if not slightly annoyed that I can't treat her the way I used to when we were dating. But once we part it's straight back to rock bottom. It's FRUSTRATING beyond belief. People have named many emotions as the "worst feeling in the world" but nothing even comes close to frustration. When you love someone, and know 100% that they do not feel the same, and you have absolutely no chance with them... it's fucking devastating. It's not so bad before you've dated them. You fall for someone but you're convinced they're not interested in you, but you can cope with. But when you date them and then lose them it's infinitely worse. Like giving a child a lollipop and then taking it away just as they start to enjoy it.
This is why the meds won't work. They might be able to fix the chemical imbalances that cause depression but they won't take away the frustration.
I took anti depressants for about a year after a bad combination of life disturbances; losing a love was probably the most major part of it. It was like you described but I was young. Everything about the person intrigued me and made me feel safe and inspired by life so to speak. The devastation is the hardest part to overcome. Once you come to terms with their decision it will begin to stop making your heart ache so much but the best thing is to find distractions and to try hard to forget until it feels ok to be friends. Being friends right away only makes reality hit you harder when you see that they don't feel the same and act the same around you anymore. Give it time. You must start to get better before you can see her. You must stop seeing the world's beauty through her and start trying to build a picture in your mind of where you will go and what you will do without her. When you know that you can deal with the fact that she feels differently then you can see her; then you can work on your friendship. Until then it will only break you down.
ReplyDeleteThere are plenty of people out there. There will be no other girl that you fell in love with at a concert that will be exactly like her but there may be someone similar, yet unique in their own special way. Love makes our emotions euphoric and its like a drug we need to conquer in order to become "healthy" and mentally stable again without it.