Bright Lights

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

- William Ernest Henley

That's my new favourite poem. It was in the movie I saw today, Invictus, about Mandela and the '95 Rugby World Cup. It was a fantastic movie though maybe a little bit too long. Really inspiring though and made me want to make some changes in my life. Or more to the point, make a proper effort with my new years resolutions. Sure I can cross off 'get a job' but I should have made much more progress by now, even if it has only been a month. Let's see how things stand at the moment...

1. Become a better person.

1.1 - Get a job (can cross this one off)

1.2 - Get fit (need to make more of an effort with his. "It's too hot" is no longer an acceptable excuse)

1.3 - Start eating healthy (actually trying with this but working at KFC doesn't help. Might thing about taking food in to eat instead)

1.4 - Try harder at uni (so that I actually have some kind of future) (obviously I can't do much about this until I actually start again)

1.5 - Stop (or at least cut down) the swearing (trying, but it's proving harder than expected. Tough habit to break)

1.6 - Invent "sub resolutions" (this was just a joke anyway. But I can cross it off nonetheless)

1.7 - Be a better driver (I've added this new one. I've managed to avoid speeding tickets and accidents so far but I don't want to push my luck so I've decided to quite while I'm ahead. From now on I shall endeavour to stick to the speed limit and pay more attention to the idiots on the road. And turn my music down.... maybe)

2. Spend less time in front of a screen (especially a computer screen).

2.1 - Find a sport (hockey sign up is a couple of months away, but for now I've decided to take up mountain biking. Keep making the "not fit enough yet" excuse so this is dependent on 1.2)

2.2 - Read more (done a fair bit of reading this month but I could do more, and spend less time on the computer. Talking Ash into getting MSN may have been a bad idea. I don't regret it though and I certainly wont feel guilty about it. It makes me happy. Currently without a book. Trip to the library in order)

2.3 - Make some new friends (could technically cross this off but I think of it as a resolution that can never be truly completed. Always looking to make new friends so I'll leave it as is)

3. Write my goddamn story that's been in my head since 2004.

3.1 - Improve my writing by taking classes or something (I've done nothing about this. No more excuses, time to do some bloody writing)

4. Play guitar more. (this is going well, I almost have my callouses back from playing so often)

5. Do more art.

5.1 Improve my drawing (haven't really done any drawing yet except for a few tattoo sketches. They hardly count though. Time to do more)

5.2 Take up photography again (I took the camera with on my walk this arvo but didn't really take anything "photographic". Will look for more opportunities and try and make time for it)

6. Get a tattoo. (started saving, have a fantastic idea, and have an artist willing to do it. Just need the money now)

I can finally breathe

I feel I should explain my last post, mainly for my own benefit as it will help me make sense of everything that's happened over the last week, and because this blog will most likely end up being a sort of time-capsule that I can look back on years from now and posts like that will confuse my future self.

The previous entry was in reference to my post about God. I said that I would remain undecided until I got proof either way, and the events of the past week have finally pushed me off the fence and onto the theistic side. As I suspected the grass is much greener and far less itchy.

Make no mistake, I am not a born-again Christian. Nor am I a Catholic, Muslim, Jew, Hindu, Buddhist, Pagan, Protestant, Anglican or any other religious nut job. Organised religion is a backwards, racist, sexist, ignorant and violent machine designed to brainwash and control the masses (sorry I'll stop ranting now). I simply find myself believing that there is something out/up there bigger than us that affects our lives in some way or another. I've chosen to call it Patience because for me it's a spiritual manifestation of that attribute.

On to how this came about. As you know I got dumped a couple of months ago and I've been having a hard time moving on. To refresh your memory: out of nowhere she told me she only likes me as a friend and doesn't think we can be anything more, and that was it. I'm going to go over everything that's happened since last weekend. Since the internet is such a terrible place I won't be using names and I'll be leaving out some of the details but you'll get all the important info. Now this is a rather long story so either get comfy or skip this post.

Last Saturday (I believe it was the 16th) I went to a picnic in Kings Park with her and some other friends. It was good fun despite the heat and as usual I was ignoring my feelings towards her and just being "the friend". Before parting ways we all organised to go out drinking in Cockburn later that night.

We ended up meeting at a friends house for pre-drinks and would later catch a bus and train to The Gate in Cockburn. Now this friend and his girlfriend, we shall call them The Matchmakers because that's what they think they are, spent most of the night trying to partner everyone up (not including The Matchmakers there were two guys and two girls). It started off as just inappropriate comments like "Hey Chris why don't you sit next to her?" or whilst piling into the car "Don't worry you can sit on Chris' lap." but progressed as they got drunker.

Unfortunately they were trying to partner me with my ex. It wasn't so bad at first, I dare say I enjoyed it because I did sit next to her and she did sit on my lap, but after a while they started actually trying to get us back together and asking me about why it ended and how I felt about her. I went along with it at first because it does help to talk about it. We where walking to Murdoch station (we were gonna catch the bus but we missed it and couldn't be bothered waiting for the next one) and I was with the two guys. The three girls where a little way behind us, having a similar conversation as I understand it.

It was when they kept up with it all night that I started to get pissed off. It wasn't that they were being nosy or annoying but they both kept telling me that she still likes me and giving me false hope that I might still have a chance with her. And there was the fact that I'd worked hard to get to the point where I could ignore my non-platonic feelings and just be her friend without getting awkward, and constantly talking and thinking about her was undoing all that hard work.

By the end of the night all the fun had disappeared and I'd got a bad headache and an even worse mood. I became quiet and subdued and took to walking along by myself and taking my anger and frustration out on innocent shopping trolleys. The Gate (it's a pub opposite Gateways shopping centre by the way) turned out to be pretty shit so we headed back to the train station. The Matchmakers wanted to head into Northbridge and find somewhere better to party but by then I'd had enough and I just wanted to take some disprin and go to bed so I bailed and went back to my place with the other guy.

While waiting for him to get picked up I got a txt from her saying "Sorry. If u need to talk let me know." I asked what she had to apologise for as we hadn't spoken much that night and it was The Matchmakers that had put me in a bad mood. I told her that they were under the impression that she still had feelings for me and wouldn't listen when I told them what she'd told me back in November when she ended our relationship. I then said goodbye to my friend and prepared to crash, expecting that to be the end of it. Her reply changed everything.

She told me that everything she'd said when she'd left me had been a load of crap. For various personal reasons she'd ended our relationship but not for lack of feelings on her part. We sent messages back and forth for a while but I wont bore you with the details. The main thing is she does in fact have feelings for me and we decided to give dating another go.

We've hung out a few times this week and we seem to have picked up right where we left off. There was no awkwardness or anything, we just went right back to dating.

So, that's the source of my new found faith. I wanted her back more than anything in the world, and eventually I got her. Something out there is on my side. All I can say is good things come to those who wait, at least as far as relationships are concerned. I've experienced this on three separate occasions now.

Oh and I think I can say goodbye to my depression. I'll tell my doctor what's happened, he'll probably want me to keep going with the treatment but maybe not. Don't mind either way. I've had no problems with them meds, even when I forget to take them til after lunch, and I'm interested to see what the therapy entails. But I'm certain I won't be experiencing any symptoms anymore. Provided I see her at least once a week :)

Post Script

I think I finally have my proof.

Use your flippers to get down

So this past weekend I jumped in a car with some mates and drove for 3 hours down to Busselton for the Southbound Festival. It was an incredibly fun weekend and I shall now attempt to recount what I remember of it with the help of some the many photos I took.

After picking everyone up and playing a quick game of tetris to fit everything in the car we started the long boring drive down to the event. Several hours, a half assed game of eye-spy and some wicked tunes later we finally got there and were faced with the dilemma of carrying all our stuff from the car to the campsite in one trip. We somehow managed but I don't think my shoulders will ever feel the same again. The worst part was having to stand in the queue for ages and all the hassles we had to go through to get into the festival (ticket check, ID check, luggage check, sniffer dogs). We all got more than a little sunburnt.



When we finally got into the actual camp grounds the organisers had decided to wait another half and hour before opening the next lot so we had to dump our stuff in the shade under a tree and wait. By this time I was disgustingly sweaty and seriously regretting wearing a black shirt. They eventually opened it and while everyone else went running for the shady bits we decided to just set up in the shade we were already sitting in. We go the tent up with little trouble. We were slightly over the border line that marked the area where we were allowed to set up our tent but we got away with it. After moving our luggage in I wasted no time in changing my shirt before we set off through the sea of tents to explore base camp.



Base camp was rather awesome. Pretty much everything you can think of was there. General store with a good selection of food and drinks (and free condoms), silent disco, costume shops, hippie markets, bumper cars, lounge tent full of couches, groove tent, Indian restaurant, several gourmet food stores... Like I said; everything.



We wandered around checking things out, chilled in the lounge tent where Rob broke a chair, met up with some mates, rocked out at the silent disco and posed for photos.



Eventually we ended up at the Other Stage (Southbound sports the most ridiculous stage names ever) to wait for Jamie T. There was a hilarious video playing between sets that was full of 4chan memes and people were throwing boxes of tissues around so we were well amused. Jamie T was the highlight of the night and set the weekend off to a good start.



We went to our mates tent to chill for a while but eventually the cold drove us back to the tent where we decided to call it a night. Unfortunately we'd set up right next to the smoking area and someone had got hold of a boom box. The party was in full swing til well after 2am and everyone except Ash got about an hours sleep, if that.



Needless to say Saturday started early with breakfast at 6:30 and a shower in there somewhere. We met some aliens while wondering around and checked out some stalls. First band we watched were Hungry Kids of Hungry but we missed the beginning of their set after going to the wrong stage. What we did see was pretty good though. I've forgotten most of the details from Saturday but we saw bits of Chairlift, The View and Little Red before settling down to watch Kate Miller-Heidke.



Kate was awesome. Good set with some hilarious surprises including a bit of Rage Against the Machine's Killing in the Name Of mixed into one of her songs, an awesome cover of You're the Voice and a song about Facebook. Cool shit in the mosh as well, some guy had his mate on his shoulders, who in turn had his girlfriend (I assume that's who she was) on his shoulders. One of the coolest things I've ever seen.



After that it was pretty full on but mostly at the same stage (called This Stage). We watched Kisschasy from the shade while Rob went skipping with some people who'd made a skipping rope out of lanyards. We were right in the thick of it for Art vs Science who were fucking awesome as usual. Sang myself hoarse and danced like crazy and was completely knackered by the end of their set. Good times. We watched the start of Editors but ended up having a water fight and had to go back to the tent for dry clothes. We got back just in time for the last few songs so we headed into the crowd and danced like loons. The singer has an amazing voice but also the creepiest sideburns ever.



We had a piggy-back race over to That Stage (wtf?) to watch some aussie hip hop guy called Urthboy. Was pretty fun. After that we watched Wolfmother whilst lying in a pillow square. Best idea ever. Then it was back to That Stage (actually this might have been when we had to piggy-back race. Can't remember) where we watched Yacht Club DJs. They were wicked. Good dance tunes and some random songs like the Sesame Street theme and a couple of songs from the Lion King. The Blink 182 and Jimmy Eat World songs went down well too. Finished the night with Moby before heading back to the tent for a much needed sleep.



We got a good nights sleep the second night but still ended up waking early. We had time to kill so we relaxed in the tent til it got too hot then headed into base camp. We bummed around there for a while moving from shade to shade and filling up with some more food. When they opened the gates to the main area we headed for This Stage.



Sugar army were first. They put on a good show but none of us had heard much of them so we couldn't really get into them. Then was LISA MITCHELL who was absolutely amazing, as I knew she would be. Her set was far too short but she played a good selection of songs. I wish she'd played Valium though.



Sunday was really laid back compared to the first two days so we had heaps of time to kill. We wandered around the festival for a while and eventually went back to the tent for lunch. Me and Rob finished off the Milk and pretended to be drunk off it. Brought the lols. Took some fun photos of all of us in the tent too.



After a while we went back to the shade next to This Stage and listened to Xavier Rudd. There were lots of Hippies around. Temper Trap were next but all I cared about was Sweet Disposition. I went nuts when they played it. It was amazing. We watched a bit of Sarah Blasko before going in search of dinner. We skipped Hilltop Hoods 'cause we'd seen them before. Dinner was rather amusing. I got half a wood-fired pizza and wolfed it down, then went back for the other half. Ash and Julia got wraps, and Rob got half a pizza, then a panini which he didn't like, then a crepe which we convinced him to shove half of into his mouth. Hilarious.



We were all a little hyper and getting a bit silly. Was almost like we were drunk but none of us had touched alcohol since Friday. We took over a couch in the lounge tent and heckled the bands playing on the open mic stage. Also found a pair of sunnies but didn't keep them. Then we went back to the stage to watch Yeah Yeah Yeahs.



They were good fun, even though I only knew one song. The costume changes were cool and the stage backdrop was awesome. We finished off the night with the rest of Major Lazer's set. The place was absolutely packed but we managed to worm our way into the crowd a good distance.



We made our way back to the tent and started packing shit up so we could make a quick getaway the next morning. Somehow managed to get all my stuff back into my bag. We hit the sack but before we could fall asleep the campsite went nuts. It started with someone letting of a couple of fireworks, then all of a sudden there was a massive crowd outside our tent. We all ran out to take a look and found several thousand people crowded around watching some guy trying to pole-vault with a sign post he'd stolen. A couple of cops turned up but they knew they couldn't do anything against so many people so they hung back. Eventually what looked like every security guard and cop at the festival pitched up and started dispersing people. We went for a quick walk around and found that a bunch of people had toilet papered some trees. Funny shit.



After everything had died down we tried again for some sleep but we were too hyped up. Ash must have inhaled too much weed smoke because she went a little mental, but then we all went a little mental and many gross lines and sexual innuendos we spoken. When we awoke the next morning we found that the toilet paperers had been busy all night. I gotta say it looked pretty amazing. We packed up the rest of our shit and managed to lug it out to the car. We'd planned to go to the beach before we left but it was pretty cold so we just set off home. I managed to drop everyone off and get home without driving into a tree so all in all the weekend was a great success.



It was a fantastic experience and definitely one of the best weekends I've had. I'll definitely be attending next year. If you wanna see more photos head over to my Facebook album.

Letters to God

That postcard sums up my feelings exactly. I used to call myself an atheist but now that's not entirely accurate. I guess I could say I'm agnostic, but if agnosticism is sitting on the fence then I'm leaning over the fence towards the theistic side.

I'm a solid proof kind of person. I will never be able to believe in God unless something happens to prove without a doubt that he exists, but at the same time I need something just as solid to prove that he doesn't (note: I say "he" for simplicities sake. If there is a God I think it would be genderless but saying "it" sounds impersonal).

Despite lack of proof either way, and despite the absolute hatred I have of organised religion I still wish I could believe. I feel like I'm missing out on something. I imagine faith would be like a constant companion, something to comfort you and keep you company during the dark times. Not having that feels a little lonely.

By no means do I want to be able to pray for things. The idea of asking a "higher power" for the things you want from life is ludicrous and that's not why I want to believe in God at all. "Two hands working achieve more than a thousand clasped in prayer."

I've had my fair share of problems with God over the years. Most recently I spent several weeks describing him as "a sadistic torturer who's sole purpose is to make as many people as he can as miserable as possible" but eventually I realised I can't blame any sort of divine being for the problems in my life.

After that I found myself wanting to be able to truly believe in something. I'll just have to keep waiting for proof.

Resolutions and Revolutions

This would have been better posted yesterday but as I was zombified it didn't happen.

So, it's officially 2010. What better time for a new start than the beginning of a new decade. I have a couple of resolutions for this year, but some of these resolutions have several sub-resolutions (one of which was creating the term "sub resolution"). Since I seem to be the kind of person who requires a relationship in order to be happy I am going to turn myself into someone worth dating. After some reflection I realised that I wouldn't date me, so why would anyone else? So, here's how the list goes...

New Years Resolutions 2010

1. Become a better person.

1.1 - Get a job

1.2 - Get fit

1.3 - Start eating healthy

1.4 - Try harder at uni (so that I actually have some kind of future)

1.5 - Stop (or at least cut down) the swearing

1.6 - Invent "sub resolutions"

2. Spend less time in front of a screen (especially a computer screen).

2.1 - Find a sport

2.2 - Read more

2.3 - Make some new friends

3. Write my goddamn story that's been in my head since 2004.

3.1 - Improve my writing by taking classes or something

4. Play guitar more.

5. Do more art.

5.1 Improve my drawing

5.2 Take up photography again

6. Get a tattoo.

That's the list at the moment. I'll edit as I (if I) come up with more. Hope everyone had I fantastic new years eve.

All the best for 2010.