That postcard sums up my feelings exactly. I used to call myself an atheist but now that's not entirely accurate. I guess I could say I'm agnostic, but if agnosticism is sitting on the fence then I'm leaning over the fence towards the theistic side.
I'm a solid proof kind of person. I will never be able to believe in God unless something happens to prove without a doubt that he exists, but at the same time I need something just as solid to prove that he doesn't (note: I say "he" for simplicities sake. If there is a God I think it would be genderless but saying "it" sounds impersonal).
Despite lack of proof either way, and despite the absolute hatred I have of organised religion I still wish I could believe. I feel like I'm missing out on something. I imagine faith would be like a constant companion, something to comfort you and keep you company during the dark times. Not having that feels a little lonely.
By no means do I want to be able to pray for things. The idea of asking a "higher power" for the things you want from life is ludicrous and that's not why I want to believe in God at all. "Two hands working achieve more than a thousand clasped in prayer."
I've had my fair share of problems with God over the years. Most recently I spent several weeks describing him as "a sadistic torturer who's sole purpose is to make as many people as he can as miserable as possible" but eventually I realised I can't blame any sort of divine being for the problems in my life.
After that I found myself wanting to be able to truly believe in something. I'll just have to keep waiting for proof.
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