I can finally breathe

I feel I should explain my last post, mainly for my own benefit as it will help me make sense of everything that's happened over the last week, and because this blog will most likely end up being a sort of time-capsule that I can look back on years from now and posts like that will confuse my future self.

The previous entry was in reference to my post about God. I said that I would remain undecided until I got proof either way, and the events of the past week have finally pushed me off the fence and onto the theistic side. As I suspected the grass is much greener and far less itchy.

Make no mistake, I am not a born-again Christian. Nor am I a Catholic, Muslim, Jew, Hindu, Buddhist, Pagan, Protestant, Anglican or any other religious nut job. Organised religion is a backwards, racist, sexist, ignorant and violent machine designed to brainwash and control the masses (sorry I'll stop ranting now). I simply find myself believing that there is something out/up there bigger than us that affects our lives in some way or another. I've chosen to call it Patience because for me it's a spiritual manifestation of that attribute.

On to how this came about. As you know I got dumped a couple of months ago and I've been having a hard time moving on. To refresh your memory: out of nowhere she told me she only likes me as a friend and doesn't think we can be anything more, and that was it. I'm going to go over everything that's happened since last weekend. Since the internet is such a terrible place I won't be using names and I'll be leaving out some of the details but you'll get all the important info. Now this is a rather long story so either get comfy or skip this post.

Last Saturday (I believe it was the 16th) I went to a picnic in Kings Park with her and some other friends. It was good fun despite the heat and as usual I was ignoring my feelings towards her and just being "the friend". Before parting ways we all organised to go out drinking in Cockburn later that night.

We ended up meeting at a friends house for pre-drinks and would later catch a bus and train to The Gate in Cockburn. Now this friend and his girlfriend, we shall call them The Matchmakers because that's what they think they are, spent most of the night trying to partner everyone up (not including The Matchmakers there were two guys and two girls). It started off as just inappropriate comments like "Hey Chris why don't you sit next to her?" or whilst piling into the car "Don't worry you can sit on Chris' lap." but progressed as they got drunker.

Unfortunately they were trying to partner me with my ex. It wasn't so bad at first, I dare say I enjoyed it because I did sit next to her and she did sit on my lap, but after a while they started actually trying to get us back together and asking me about why it ended and how I felt about her. I went along with it at first because it does help to talk about it. We where walking to Murdoch station (we were gonna catch the bus but we missed it and couldn't be bothered waiting for the next one) and I was with the two guys. The three girls where a little way behind us, having a similar conversation as I understand it.

It was when they kept up with it all night that I started to get pissed off. It wasn't that they were being nosy or annoying but they both kept telling me that she still likes me and giving me false hope that I might still have a chance with her. And there was the fact that I'd worked hard to get to the point where I could ignore my non-platonic feelings and just be her friend without getting awkward, and constantly talking and thinking about her was undoing all that hard work.

By the end of the night all the fun had disappeared and I'd got a bad headache and an even worse mood. I became quiet and subdued and took to walking along by myself and taking my anger and frustration out on innocent shopping trolleys. The Gate (it's a pub opposite Gateways shopping centre by the way) turned out to be pretty shit so we headed back to the train station. The Matchmakers wanted to head into Northbridge and find somewhere better to party but by then I'd had enough and I just wanted to take some disprin and go to bed so I bailed and went back to my place with the other guy.

While waiting for him to get picked up I got a txt from her saying "Sorry. If u need to talk let me know." I asked what she had to apologise for as we hadn't spoken much that night and it was The Matchmakers that had put me in a bad mood. I told her that they were under the impression that she still had feelings for me and wouldn't listen when I told them what she'd told me back in November when she ended our relationship. I then said goodbye to my friend and prepared to crash, expecting that to be the end of it. Her reply changed everything.

She told me that everything she'd said when she'd left me had been a load of crap. For various personal reasons she'd ended our relationship but not for lack of feelings on her part. We sent messages back and forth for a while but I wont bore you with the details. The main thing is she does in fact have feelings for me and we decided to give dating another go.

We've hung out a few times this week and we seem to have picked up right where we left off. There was no awkwardness or anything, we just went right back to dating.

So, that's the source of my new found faith. I wanted her back more than anything in the world, and eventually I got her. Something out there is on my side. All I can say is good things come to those who wait, at least as far as relationships are concerned. I've experienced this on three separate occasions now.

Oh and I think I can say goodbye to my depression. I'll tell my doctor what's happened, he'll probably want me to keep going with the treatment but maybe not. Don't mind either way. I've had no problems with them meds, even when I forget to take them til after lunch, and I'm interested to see what the therapy entails. But I'm certain I won't be experiencing any symptoms anymore. Provided I see her at least once a week :)